No woman walks down the aisle thinking that divorce court might be in her future.   This is not to suggest that today’s women are living in the latest Harlequin romance novel--  it’s just that we can’t imagine the day where we fight over the china (even if we didn’t like the pattern anyway)—let alone fighting over the children and who gets to spend Christmas morning with them.  Nevertheless, divorce is indeed a reality for many once-blushing brides.   It is my sincere hope that you never find yourself contemplating divorce—but if you are, or it is thrust upon you, please allow this article to give you some direction and, hopefully, to provide you with some guidance as you navigate the divorce process.

Getting a divorce is not a complicated legal matter—but, the divorce process is often exasperating, laborious, and emotional even if you are the one who wants the divorce.  In order to minimize these frustrations, it is vital to gain as much knowledge about the process as possible, to actively participate in the legal process rather than allow it to just “happen” to you, and to surround yourself with supportive professionals, friends, and famil

Here are five basic (and sometimes painful) truths:

1. Neither your lawyer nor the judge cares as much about your family as you do
   
   Choosing a lawyer is the first step.  While the internet provides a lot of information and generic forms are available, attempting to divorce without a trained professional to advise you is most likely a mistake.  And, contrary to what you may think from the sheer number of jokes in circulation, most divorce lawyers are excellent, ethical people who truly do everything in their power to advocate for their clients.  You should meet with prospective lawyers and “interview” them for the job.  Consider such factors such as credentials, cost, and location. Other factors such as gender, age, or personal compatibility may also be important to you.  Ask questions regarding billing procedures, familiarity with the courts and the legal issues of your case, and methods of keeping you informed and aware of what’s going on in your case.
   
   Never ever forget that you are the one paying for a service and, as such, you are the boss and YOU need to make the big decisions that affect you and your family.  You are paying for a lawyer to advise you—not to decide for you.  Neither your lawyer nor the judge assigned to your case, no matter how wonderful they are, will ever care about your family as much as you do.  They are not friends, therapists, or trusted family members and cannot make ultimate decisions for you with respect to your children and finances.   Be proactive in your divorce.
    
2. The more you fight, the more it will cost.
   
   Divorce is a lawsuit and, like all lawsuits, it involves certain processes and procedures which are unavoidable.  The more agreeable and congenial you and your spouse are, the quicker and cheaper your divorce will be.  This does not mean that you should roll over and not assert your rights; it just means that you need to recognize that the costs involved are dramatically related to the intensity of the “fight”.  You also should recognize that, most likely, you and he are paying the lawyers and other professionals involved out of marital monies and, the more you spend on the lawyers, the less you will have to divide between yourselves.   I have no objection to earning a good living, but is that $100 china plate really worth paying me $2000 to get?  Probably not.    Obviously, there are often much more serious issues involved in divorce that are worth digging in your heels and fighting for.  Just be sure that the benefit is worth the cost.
   
   The divorce process begins with a Complaint filed by the Plaintiff in the county of the Defendant’s residence.  The Defendant is to “Answer” the complaint and will often file a counterclaim for divorce.  The court will generally issue a “Standing Order” which usually prohibits either party from removing children from the jurisdiction of the court, from harassing the other party, and from selling or otherwise encumbering marital property.  Then discovery begins.  This is the phase of the litigation where each side amasses as much information as possible to prepare its case.  Thereafter, trial may ensue.  Now, this is a very truncated look at divorce litigation and there are often hearings to determine temporary issues and other motions that may occur—but all such activity is geared toward preparation for mediation and trial.
   
   Mediation is a process that is required in divorce cases.  This is a wonderful tool that is successful in helping approximately 90% of divorcing couples settle their issues.  It is also the only way you can have a say in what your final divorce order looks like.  Mediation also allows you to include some matters in your settlement agreement that a court will never address-- like who pays for the college tuition for the children.  If you and your spouse do not come to an agreement and settle your differences, the judge and/or jury will decide for you.  Again, even if they are the most compassionate of people, they will never care as much about your family as you do.
   
   If you are unsuccessful in mediating all or some of the issues in your case, eventually a trial will occur.  “Eventually” in Cobb County means six months to several years depending on the issues of your case and the judge assigned.    Georgia law is unusual in that it does indeed permit a jury to hear the issues and to make determinations on most financial matters.  Nevertheless, the majority of divorce cases are tried before the judge only, which saves a great deal of money as jury trials are exceptionally expensive.
   
   So, how much will it cost and who pays?  Costs will vary with attorney choice and the length of the litigation.   Generally speaking, most Cobb County divorce attorneys charge between $200-$350 per hour and will require a retainer (an advanced payment), the amount of which is determined by the complexities of your case.  The cost of divorce often comes from marital funds.  Sometimes, one spouse is required to pay a portion of the other’s attorney’s fees.   I have done simple (with no children) and uncontested (with no argument) divorces for $1,000 and have been involved in cases where each side spent over $250,000.00.  For a divorce.  Crazy, huh?
    
3. Neither you nor your husband will take the other “to the cleaners”.
   
   Georgia divorce law with respect to marital assets is premised on “equitable division of property.”  Simply, what this means is that marital property and debt is fairly divided between both husband and wife.  Of course, numerous factors contribute to determine what is “fair,” and a husband who has spent hundreds of thousands of dollars of marital money to set up his mistress in a luxury condo on the beach will probably get less than a 50% share of marital assets.  But, just because he is a cad and morally one could argue he should live out the rest of his life sneaking food from trash cans, such a fate will not befall him—at least not from the court.
   
   Now, there are instances where the opposing side voluntarily enters into an agreement placing himself in abject poverty—but those are situations where he agreed in mediation to be poverty stricken so that his wife and/or children would live very well and those instances are few and far between.   Don’t count on it, but put another check mark in the mediation column!
   
   “My friend’s mother’s cousin said Judge Wifegetsitall gave me all the (fill in the blank) so I should too.”  No.  Not true.  Don’t believe it.   Yes, the law is the law, but no two cases are exactly alike and no two judges are alike.  The individual facts and circumstances of your case combined with each judge and/or juror’s personality and background factor significantly as to how the law is applied to your situation.  Again, rely on your attorney for advice as to what is reasonable to expect.
    
4. Lessons of King Solomon are Relevant.
   
   Most of us have heard the biblical story about two women who come before King Solomon, each claiming to be the mother of a baby.  King Solomon, in his infinite wisdom, asks for a sword and says he will cut the child, giving each woman half.  The true mother gives up her claim so that her child’s life can be spared.  Thankfully, no swords are present in today’s courts.  But, in any custody determination, the child’s best interests are first and foremost.
   
   If your divorce involves a custody battle, a court may order that a Guardian Ad Litem be appointed who is authorized to investigate each party and their circumstances thoroughly and will offer an opinion as to what custodial arrangements are in the child’s best interests.  Often, the parent who is most likely to encourage a positive relationship between the child and the other parent is seen to be more suitable as a primary physical custodian.
   
   In Cobb County, as well as in most Georgia courts, all parties who have children are required to attend a seminar for divorcing parents prior to finalizing their divorce.   You do not have to attend together, but in the seminar you learn things important for co-parenting—like how it is really not a good idea to tell your son that his “%*#*& excuse for a father is not going to get him for visitation because he is out with his %*$)# girlfriend.”  Such negative-speak is not in your child’s best interest and will only serve to cause damage down the road.
   
   Custody, and all of the intricate complexities associated with it, is difficult to cover in brief, and my next article will focus on it in detail.  Just know that if you and your spouse can both love the children more than you hate each other, your children will be much less likely to be a sad statistic of divorce.
    
5. Emotionally, a divorce is like a death of someone near and dear.
   
   Although I am not a therapist, I can attest to the fact that most divorcing people compare the divorce process to the death of a close friend or family member.  The emotional roller coaster certainly is similar—even if you are the one who wants the divorce.  Shock, denial, anger, bargaining, grief and, finally, acceptance may all be present in varying degrees.   Usually, the spouse who asks for the divorce has reached the ‘acceptance” phase and is ready to move on.  This puts the other at a disadvantage when dealing with the “business” aspect of divorce.
   
   There is no need to handle the emotional stresses alone and there are many organizations (community based, faith based, medically based) to help you and your children deal with these emotions and I encourage you to take advantage of counseling if for no other reason that to make you feel more prepared when you (and you will) reach the “acceptance” stage and are ready to start again.   Furthermore, the more distance you can place between the emotional and the business aspects of your divorce, the more you will be able to actively participate in your divorce litigation and get back to living a joyful life.

Throughout the next few articles, I will explore certain aspects of divorce and divorce-related issues in greater detail.  I hope that you have learned a little about the process so that if you are preparing for a divorce, or in the thralls of one, you feel a little better knowing some of the facts!

Best of Luck,

Leah

Click here to continue to Part 2:  When The Bough Breaks>>